I have spent my whole life trying to control or fix, something that cannot be fixed. I knew something was 'wrong with me' or that I was different a long time ago.
People have told me I needed 'anger management', others have called me 'bi polar'. I'm neither. I have anxiety and with that comes high blood pressure. Having a lot of trauma resulting in PTSD was issues itself on top of the anxiety. Having anxiety only made it worse and harder to get through everything else.
It's something in your brain and you fight with it every day. It's like having voices in your head and one is always talking and won't shut up. It causes you to over react to things. Regardless of how you really feel.
I have bad lungs {COPD} and catching my breath when my heart is racing causes me to sound like I'm yelling when I'm talking. It isn't that I'm 'angry'. In fact most folks don't know that I like QUIET.
I don't like people yelling, slamming or banging things. I don't like being pushed to have to yell myself. I don't like people saying negative things and fighting with other people. I don't like hearing the kids fight when they play, whether it's pretend or real.
I went from a calm quiet childhood to a marriage with domestic violence and a few bullies. I left that for a family that treated my kids and I like we were invisible. And a person who is bi polar, and was untreated for years.
I've made a lot of wrong choices while coping in the 'reactive' state of mind. I've spent a few years trying to heal. I have finally felt like who I really am sometimes. There are moments when I really feel like me. Not the person who 'was surviving the situation'. My own kids really don't know me, they know 'super mom in survival mode'. and she isn't who I really am. She is who I had to be.
I don't like people avoiding talking to me about things. They act like I'm going to explode if they say something I don't like. Mind you they have all said and done things that hurt me deeply and I say and do nothing but cry alone in the dark about it later. They don't know how I really feel about things.
Doctors say it goes hand in hand with depression. I think that's because when you have a break down or episode you feel like crap. People seem to be able to forgive the alcoholic or drug addict. They excuse and pardon the bi polar.
But me, with anxiety disorder. Many treat me like I'm a monster. Like I go around and look for ways to hurt people on purpose? And forgive me when it happens. Not likely.
I didn't want kids when I was young, because I wanted to figure me out first. I knew it would be hard. I was always afraid I wouldn't be a good mom because of it. It wasn't that I didn't like kids or didn't want kids. I didn't want them to suffer with my illness, whether it be from me or to have it themselves, same as me.
