hang in there
phrase of hang
- INFORMALremain persistent and determined in difficult circumstances.
And it's been 3 years this month since "I changed my life" and the journey to 'here'.
I believe I was 11 when I first contemplated suicide. I wrote my sister a letter and she had me sent to her house. It was her attempt to help me, when sadly her husband only made things worse. {Long story}. Life was like a tumbleweed, being thrown around in the wind.
Then I got pregnant and married. What should have been happily ever after turned out to be Friday the 13th, Part 1, 2, 3, 4, and never ending sequels, even after the divorce.
Tim entered our lives shortly after my divorce and his family only added to the horror shows for the kids and I. We all went through a lot over the last 30 years. With no one but ourselves, no family support, no ex family's support. It was us and the kids. -vs- all of them. {felt like anyway}
Everyone reached their breaking point at some point in it all. Somehow through it all, we all managed to 'hang on' and 'get through' to come around full circle - to now.
3 years ago this month. I packed my things, loaded my animals and left in my truck. Away from everyone and everything. I stayed by myself, and spent days with the horses. I was dealing with medical trauma and the results, with no one to turn to. My family wasn't really there for me.
I wasn't really worried about the dog and cats, the family would probably fight over them. It was the horses. Everyone was already against having them and I constantly was being told to 'get rid of them'.
Little did anyone in my family know, if it wasn't for the horses. I would have committed suicide after my Doctor's appointment. The news was that devastating.
It was in being alone and by myself away from everyone, that I found out who truly cared and who I could trust. Final arrangements can be an over whelming experience in itself. And when your told "you should start making your arrangements". It hits hard.
The horses were a big part of the healing and getting through all the medical, {I'm not good with doctors, it's never been a popular place for me}. The struggle to find the right mix of medicine and an extremely good therapist to help understand the 'everything that is going on'.
The journey to 'GO FORWARD' began.
I have my disabled parking and I have noticed - some days - feel normal - other days - hurt like hell. I'm still walking and that's what counts to me right now. I have accepted that a wheel chair is a possible outcome, however I have pushed it out to the future as far as possible.
I understand that when my heart stops and I fall. It's the falling that restarts it. According to one doctor, them bruises have saved my life multiple times. He even said on one occasion. "It was a good thing you were standing, if you'd have been sitting the fall might not have been hard enough to jolt it."
The roads in life can get rough. Life itself can feel like "your drowning in a thunder storm". Sometimes, quitting seems easier than living. When you can do absolutely nothing about anything. You breathe, you pray and you breathe. Even when it feels totally hopeless. You just keep breathing and one day, little by little things change.
I like where life is now, the pain is manageable, the family is all moving forward. There are a few things we all would like to see improved, but we pray. The horses are home, and I'm home. . . The kids come over every week. I get to enjoy my grand babies all the time. Life is good
and spring is finally on the way!!
Hang in there, it will get better.
Blessed by God
Life's good @ the Bright side of the Barn
Thanks for stopping by
Until next time, Stay safe and Happy Trails.