It is something your born with ~
the fact that we are all - going to die.
My first emergency Hospital trip, my first major "What's wrong with me" medical concern. 5 days in the hospital and I left with oxygen tanks in tow. At that time doctors couldn't figure out what happened because I had waited 2 days after I fell to even go in. I couldn't breathe and it kept getting worse. I was dying at home. My oxygen count was in the low 70's and dropping.
My left lung apparently quit working and was just sitting there. I was put on the oxygen to force air into my lungs, doctors hoped it would 'kick in' and start working on it's own. I was given morphine so I would be comfortable until I died. While I was there, I was met with a variety of people. One of which was the end of life clergy. I soon realized on was on the death floor of the hospital, with some very old people that were 'waiting to die'.
FREAK OUT
Doctors told me to prepare myself and my family, as my time here was very limited. My lungs were estimated to only last maybe another 5 years. This was in 2006 - I was only in my 40's and 2 of my kids were still minors under my supervision. I was devastated and I don't think the kids totally believed it. My insurance would never provide a transplant and I'm against it anyways.
I got rid of 'stuff' - nearly everything I owned, and I've kept my life 'minimalized'. I don't want anyone to be burdened by a lot of crap when I'm gone. Cremate me, toss the ashes in the wind and go on with their lives. I gave everyone things that I knew would be important to them and made sure they had things I wanted them to have.
Since then, I have had little interest in material things and my Birthday and Christmas wishes have been to spend time with those I love. "Let me feel wanted" as I grew up unwanted by my own mother and it did have a large effect on me emotionally for the rest of my life. Being 'unwanted' is a hard feeling to live with.
Needless to say, my lung healed, and my primary doctor suspected that I suffered a stroke which is what caused me to fall. Since that time, I had a couple smaller strokes and have been on heart medication ever since. I managed to heal my lung and get rid of the oxygen machines. Being free of any life support devices.
Over the course of that first 5 years, I was an emotional mess internally, trying not to let it out or share with anyone. I have kept my material possessions to a minimum and spent as much time with my kids and their families as I could. Probably too much as I feel like I've been pushed away over the years.
I've tried to divorce my second disaster to no avail. He has mental issues and would not be the same person in court as he is out of court, which would lead to another horrible ending much like the first one I managed to survive. I don't have the strength to go through the hell again.
So, I have learned tolerance, praying to God to see my sacrifice and provide me happiness in some other form. That led to my horse. The first horse I have bought for myself. One of these days I will share the childhood horse horror story... I still have my horse, and she will be with me until one of us dies. I will go homeless and live in my car before I will sell or get rid of my horse. PERIOD.
And here we are, almost 19 years later!
I'm still here!
Often times wondering if I should have died sooner because I feel like I've outlived my purpose to be here. I'm guessing God has other plans. Life has been a roller coaster with a lot of ups and downs. I've been blessed to watch my kids grow up into amazing adults and I've seen some of my grandchildren grow up to have their own families. Blessed beyond any amount of silver or gold.
No one has a guaranteed tomorrow, whether the doctors tell you about it or not. Appreciate life and show your love to the ones around you, because in an instant either you or they may be gone. No one has the answer for any of us. My only sister died when I was just 18, hit by a car, leaving 3 beautiful children behind. My parents lived to be in their 80s and late 70's.
You just never know
Cherish the moments.
To have faith in God is to have faith in God's timing as well.
Blessed by God
Lifes a blessing@ the Bright Side of the Barn
Thanks for stopping by
Until next time, Stay Safe and Happy Trails.