All Time-228301 Today-65 Yesterday-438 This Month-2108 Last Month-9225.....
I only had 3 entities living with me at the time - Me - Myself - and I. I didn't even think God was with me during those dark days. {1+1+1=3}
I had hurt my oldest daughters feeling, it was hard on all of us with where we had to live and how we had to live. They were able to move out and move on. My youngest daughter I don't think has ever liked me. My son was lost in his own life issues listening to lies about me and trying to figure things out. My oldest son walked out of my life years ago to embrace the man that beat him? Something I will never understand. {4}
Did my damned to be a good mom, and apparently, I had failed. Somehow, I had hurt the ones that meant the most to me. Our relationships have never been the same as when we were all together, and they weren't listening to the lies, and I wasn't going through the mental abuse that currently plagued my life. {1st}
I went to delete this blog once and within a couple days, I received emails from readers telling me it had become part of their healing as well. I was touched. This was raw and not advertised; I didn't know so many folks had found it and were reading it. There wasn't any 'comments' back then, I had no clue what others thought. So, after much thought and deliberation I republished it and have kept going, wow, here we are 2025!
It's me talking to myself, because I am the only one that would tell me to keep breathing when I needed to hear it the most. Like I said, it was some dark days.
After a few years of everyone talking about me, saying I had 'this or that'. With doctors saying, 'this is what you have' or 'that is what you have', I finally found a doctor that could explain to me, 'what happened to me'.
I finally knew what happened. I had a minor stroke in 2006. Enough loss of oxygen to the brain and a paralyzed portion of my chest - explained the oxygen issues and the COPD; as well as the memory and thinking issues - common with strokes. I wasn't the same and had to accept I never would be.
Sometimes I think back to the night I wrecked my truck and almost got killed ~ Asking myself ~ Was I trying to kill myself? I don't normally do things that stupid. I had never in my life had a 'major car accident' it was my first. My first ambulance ride, my first hit so hard it knocked me out, my first totaled truck. My first handful of broken bones.
Subconsciously did I do it on purpose? I asked myself that a thousand times. Knowing I really didn't think the other truck was that close. I didn't see him until it was too late. His headlight on the right side wasn't working. It was a dark rainy night.
I have struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide when I was young. After having my babies - I knew I had to live to at least see them grown. I wasn't going to leave them in the world that was around us.
My second marriage led to much mental abuse, much of it I hid from everyone. They didn't see or hear what I was going through for the most part. It did get so bad; they finally were able to hear some of it. Making it even harder for me. I struggled with suicide as my only way out of the situation. {2nd}
Divorce wasn't an option with someone who has a personality disorder. They can change who they are in an instant. Unpredictable and slanderous, it would have been dangerous to try and go to court with him and I couldn't afford an attorney.
Life has been a roller coaster since, with a lot of ups and downs. I've wrote some blogs, published them and then deleted them within hours sometimes minutes. When I created the Bright side of the Barn, my goal was to think positive. Look at the bright side of every situation. No matter how dark a day is, I always have something to be thankful for. Always a reason to keep going and wake up tomorrow, praying it's going to get better.
Some days it has, other days it feels like it's gotten worse. No matter what, I've found something good about every day. So glad I bought the horses!
It started with StarBright and Buddy, {2}
Then came Odessa, then Angel. {3-4}
Financially things got rough,
I made the choice to rehome Odessa and Angel {-2=2}
A couple days later - Buddy had to be put down. {2-1=1}
It became just StarBright and I, we both think about them often.
Then along came Lil Star {Lil horse} {1+1=2}
Then Polaris. {2+1=3}
Polaris was too much and too dangerous for the grandkids,
So he went back to the rescue. {3-1=2}
It was StarBright, Lil Star and I. {2}
Then Lil Star went on to help a children's group. {2-1=1}
Within a year they brought her back. {1+1=2}
Recently Lil Star went on to a fellow horse person, that just became a grandma.
It's StarBright and I. {2-1=1}
And it will be until the end.
She's turning 28 this year and I will be 61.
My horse has been the best therapist of all. No judgement, no criticism, no condemnation, no opinion. Just love, companionship and understanding.
She has restored my confidence in myself, and she challenges my fears.
She's amazing at knowing when I'm feeling low or needing a push.
She's what I need the most - she's loyal and committed -
I never have to worry about her turning on me or against me.
Here we are {4} kids later, {10} Grandchildren and {4} Great Grandchildren
{1} Stepson and {2} Step Grandchildren. {2} failed marriages
All in {1} life.!
2019 to 2025 ~ As of today ~ 229,182 ~ views here at the
Bright side of the Barn. It still blows me away at how many people read this blog. I hope it's helped someone out there somewhere. Sometimes I wish I could have started it sooner.
I've had my brothers and others constantly telling me "You should write a book" "Nobody would believe the 'shit' you have been through and what's all happened to you. Most of all, everyone needs to see how you've survived and gotten through it." and that includes a therapist!
Blessed by God
Life's amazing @ the Bright Side of the Barn
Thanks for Stopping by
Until next time, Stay Safe and Happy Trails.
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