Looking Back

 

Looking back - I wasn't ready to be a 'mom'. I had plans, I wanted to get my own head figured out. Childhood was complicated and I needed to get some things worked out in my own mind. I never wanted my children to suffer some of the pains I had growing up. I was only 15 so I wasn't even 'me' completely, I had growing to do still. Mentally and physically. 

My family left the country and left me with a family that was quite different than how I had been raised. Their morals and values were nothing like mine. The thoughts and intentions - nowhere close to how I thought children should be raised. Way too much interference from the in-laws, into everyone's lives. The gossip and backstabbing was out of control with all of them. You couldn't trust any of them to confide in. Which explains in part why the first marriage was not pleasant.

I did manage to have all of my children with the same dad. Relationships were not the important part of my life. Loyalty to someone who cheated on me, was something I never got over, which made it easy to leave him.  I didn't need someone to love me to feel whole. I was quite happy being independent and on my own. So, I wasn't even looking for another relationship after the divorce. I just wanted to raise my kids in peace and he did everything he could to make that a challenge. 

My kids became my world. Probably too much so, that when they grew up - the empty nest was hard to adjust to. I always wanted to have a closer relationship with my children than I had with my parents. I knew I had made a lot of mistakes. I always tried to correct them. But the pain sometimes never goes away. Their own lives became complicated and often, I was trapped into situations because I had to be there for someone else. 

Over the years I've wished things could have been different. I wish the outside influences wouldn't have been there. The stress, the dysfunctional in-laws, his drinking and violent issues. They all contributed to my mistakes. I lived more reactively than proactive. Unfortunately, the kids had to live through it. Many times, they all said 'I was different' after the divorce. I changed. 

Yes, I did. The problems were not all me. They were the situations I had to react to. 

Turns out I fell into yet another disappointing relationship, another one that caused me to 'not be myself'. This one just as bad as the first. A dysfunctional set of in-laws, his own drinking issues and mental issues that were never totally diagnosed. I ended up changing back into the reactive 'not myself' person I fought so hard to get away from the first time around. 

I've spent years being 'blamed' for all the problems in both situations. When if people knew the truth, they would be able to see 'it wasn't me, that was the problem'. I take responsibility for my mistakes, and I live to regret and wish I could go back and do things differently. I would have been so much better as a person, as a mom, as a grandma. 

Because of the relationships my life has been twisted and full of turmoil. My home unstable during the few times I had a home. In truth - being homeless became more comfortable because I didn't feel trapped. Not realizing - it's the relationships that trap you - not where you live. It's the relationships that prevent you from living, and living in peace. Allowing you to be happy with yourself and your life. 

It's hard to leave a bad relationship when you have kids. You don't want the problems to come up on your children and affect their lives. Getting away the second time around has been much harder than the first. He is far more deceptive and manipulative. I've often felt like he's demonic possessed. I'd love to just walk away completely, but I have to make sure he doesn't hurt my family, 

so it's like "keep your loved ones close, and your enemies closer". 

Turning 60 last year hit me pretty hard. Feels like I'm never going to have a peaceful life with any amount of 'happiness' or 'normalcy'. I often pray the next phase of life be better than this was. Because this has been a lifetime of hell for me. Doctors say I'm hard on myself, I need to forgive myself. Hard to do when the problems are there every day when you wake up. Knowing that your life with your children was not the life you planned or hoped for. 

So they grow up hating you and blaming you. Nothing you can do about it now. Just heal yourself and forgive yourself. hoping that someday they can realize - you did your best with the circumstances you were in. At least you never quit or gave up like so many parents do. You never walked away and were always there, even when they turned their backs on you. You weren't the one that pushed them away, they pushed you out.  And yet, you always opened the door when they would knock. 

"Nobody is perfect, it's sad that everyone expected you to be." I've heard that so many times. "You are a strong amazing person with all you have been through, so many others couldn't make it through just one of the situations you've endured and pulled yourself out of". I've heard that so many times. 

Problem is - I've never heard it from the one's that matter the most. 

I know my kids love me, don't get me wrong. They are not the only people I'm reflecting on. I have four children of my own and another son, that was literally dumped on me to raise. Not all of them love or appreciate all I did and all the sacrifices I made for them. Some of them, my mistakes are mine to own. Like I said I do have some regrets. I have a lot to be proud of too. Some of the kids I'm closer to than others. It's just how it is. 

Forgive yourself, love yourself and know - You did the best you could, for the circumstances you were put in. Let others deal with their own mistakes and feelings on the matter. It doesn't matter if they love you - you know you loved them with everything of your being. 

Forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. You did your best to correct them. Love yourself. You were in the end - a good person. It's their loss they couldn't see it or appreciate it. 

Blessed and Loved by God

Life's real @ the Bright Side of the Barn

Thanks for Stopping by

Until next time, Stay Safe and Happy Trails.