I always thought I could overcome my depression on my own. I was raised to believe that 'it's all in your head', it's 'your attitude'. Often being told to 'change your attitude and it wouldn't be that way'. ??
Yet the depression never seemed to go away. It didn't matter how good life was at that moment, I could manage to be depressed. Sometimes it was so bad, I never wanted to have kids, because I never wanted them to feel the miserable way I did.
I knew something was wrong, and I wanted to fix myself first. It was never that I didn't like kids or never wanted kids. I never wanted them to suffer my defects.
Unfortunately for me that never happened. I was tricked in to getting pregnant very young and I was bullied into a shot gun wedding to the father. I spent the next 11 years having babies and having miscarriages and having to cope with it all, totally alone. My family had literally 'left the country'.
I divorced and even my kids said I changed for the better. Some things did get better, other things stayed the same and a few things got worse. Through it all I was doing my best to be a 'good mom' and to 'raise my 4 kids alone' without much support from their dad or his family, and my family was nowhere around. Except when it came time to judge or criticize me.
I met #2 and I probably should have seen the 'red flags' that came with that situation, but I was still traumatized from everything that happened leaving the first one. For about 9 years the kids and I had a bit better situation, even though I recall several times having to pack them into the car and 'run away' from there as well. Like I said, I should have seen the 'red flags'.
Marrying that one, only made the problems worse and after just a couple years we separated, and he left the country. Leaving me in an impossible situation to get a divorce. Something that cost like 5 times as much because of the borders and laws in 2 different countries.
I ended up dropping in a Safeway parking lot. When I came too, my chest hurt like hell. For the next 3 days it got worse, to the point I was unable to stand and would crawl to the bathroom. 911 was called and my family 'grossly misjudged' as we were accused of being on drugs! Something I still haven't used and I'm 60 now! Stigma! Grrr. In any case I ended up in the hospital for 5 days, on the death ward. That's where they just give you morphine for the pain, and expect you to die. (I was only 42)
Doctors told me that my left lung wasn't working, and they had no idea why? After 5 days I was sent home with oxygen machines and a backpack to wear all the time, to pump oxygen into my lungs. Doctors told me to make my arrangements and be prepared, as they didn't expect me to live more than another 5 years. (2 of my kids were still minors). It was a hard hit to deal with alone. And even harder to keep to myself and deal with alone.
I was put into therapy with a horrible therapist, a situation that didn't last long. I was also given breathing therapy and was able to get off the oxygen after only a few months. I was diagnosed with a heart issue and put on heart medication, which I'm still on. And for a couple years I had to monitor my blood pressure and oxygen intake frequently.
I finally found a wonderful doctor that was able to tell me, I had a stroke, mild, but enough to cause Havick for my lungs. This doctor put me on a different heart medication, something for my lungs and even something for the depression and anxiety. Then she sent me to yet another therapist, finally a good one.
I found out my 'depression' was real! Not something I could 'fix' with my own attitude. I found out I have 'anxiety disorder' which causes my heart complications and now I have permanent heart issues. And my lungs will always need 'help'. (I've made it to 60 yrs. old, when I was predicted to not make it to 50). The doctors made it hard for me to 'live normally' and caused a bit of the anxiety and depression with their predictions as well.
My wonderful new therapist helped in so many ways. She actually told me that I had overcome so many mountains that others couldn't get over. Some of the things I had endured, caused others to commit suicide. So, for me to 'feel suicidal' was quite ok, as long as it was only a feeling, and I never had a plan. As I explained to her, I had no intentions of 'killing myself' but to say I felt suicidal, was me expressing that I felt 'no way out' of a current trauma.
We talked about a variety of mental illnesses, I would frequently ask - Do I have that? People have accused me of being 'bipolar' - 'narcistic' - 'hypochondriac' - and a few others... talking to each other about me, rather than talking to me to ask for the truth.
She was certain and being reassuring that no - I have 'ANXIETY' 'DEPRESSION' and 'A COUPLE DIFFERENT HEART CONDITIONS' as well as 'COPD' with my lungs.
Medical causes
For some people, anxiety may be linked to an underlying health issue. In some cases, anxiety signs and symptoms are the first indicators of a medical illness. If your doctor suspects your anxiety may have a medical cause, he or she may order tests to look for signs of a problem.
Examples of medical problems that can be linked to anxiety include:
- Heart disease
- Diabetes
- Thyroid problems, such as hyperthyroidism
- Respiratory disorders, such as chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) and asthma
Finally, I was able to understand myself and the healing began. Now whenever I'm reading about a different 'mental health condition', I can say with confidence - That's not me!
Understanding 'how I got this way' ~ that's another story all together!
These factors may increase your risk of developing an anxiety disorder:
- Trauma. Children who endured abuse or trauma or witnessed traumatic events are at higher risk of developing an anxiety disorder at some point in life. Adults who experience a traumatic event also can develop anxiety disorders.
- Stress due to an illness. Having a health condition or serious illness can cause significant worry about issues such as your treatment and your future.
- Stress buildup. A big event or a buildup of smaller stressful life situations may trigger excessive anxiety — for example, a death in the family, work stress or ongoing worry about finances.
- Personality. People with certain personality types are more prone to anxiety disorders than others are.
- Other mental health disorders. People with other mental health disorders, such as depression, often also have an anxiety disorder.
- Having blood relatives with an anxiety disorder. Anxiety disorders can run in families.
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