Make it Right

 

This is the last picture I have of my oldest son. It's one of the last pictures I have of my oldest Granddaughter as well.

When things go wrong - make it right.

When problems happened between my son and I it was complicated because of his dad's violence towards me. I showed up to get my son and was chased off the property with my son standing there watching. That was pretty much the end of US.

I have never been 'complete' since.

I had 4 kids and 3 wanted to stay with me and get away from the violence and move forward in life. Hoping to find a little peace. My son looked up to his dad, And somehow - he thought he could fix him. Instead his father broke him.

I hope everyday that I will see him again. I pray he is safe and well.

Sometimes, you can't make everything right. 

My Life - 

Trying to get away from a second violent situation, I wasn't able to 'be there' when my granddaughter needed me the most. I blame me for some of her problems because as the Grama, it's my job to be there when my son or daughter's can't. As the Grama, is still my job to Make it Right.

So many times I've thought if only I never met HIM. I might not have lost my son, I might have been able to save my granddaughter. I might have this or I might have that. Believe me, at the time it's happening you really do think your making the right choice. and Sometimes you just know this was a wrong choice and there is no other choice - you know it's not going to end well......

I love my kids they are and always have been my world. Anytime something is wrong between us, {myself and any one of them} I lose sleep, can't eat, cry too much, and almost become paralyzed with grief depending on how bad it is. I'm persistent until we fix it. In my heart, I just can't lose another one. 

Having people jerk children out of your life and play yoyo with them, is something you never really heal from. People believing the lies, pumping stories into children's heads, to think 

things were then - as they are now....

NO ---

Laws and the way things worked have changed over time. Once you could shoot and kill a simple trespasser no questions asked. Now you can't even stop a shoplifter.  

Men used to be ALLOWED TO BEAT THEIR WIVES.

 {Seriously, think about that.}  Believe me THINGS HAVE CHANGED. 

So when things go wrong - Do all you can to MAKE IT RIGHT.

Don't let SOMETHING sit there and rot.

Blessed by God

LIfe's good @ the Bright side of the Barn

Thanks for stopping by

Until next time, Stay Safe and Happy Trails.

Anxiety 101

 I have spent my whole life trying to control or fix, something that cannot be fixed. I knew something was 'wrong with me' or that I was different a long time ago. 

 People have told me I needed 'anger management', others have called me 'bi polar'. I'm neither. I have anxiety and with that comes high blood pressure. Having a lot of trauma resulting in PTSD was issues itself on top of the anxiety. Having anxiety only made it worse and harder to get through everything else.

 It's something in your brain and you fight with it every day. It's like having voices in your head and one is always talking and won't shut up. It causes you to over react to things. Regardless of how you really feel.

I have bad lungs {COPD} and catching my breath when my heart is racing causes me to sound like I'm yelling when I'm talking. It isn't that I'm 'angry'. In fact most folks don't know that I like      QUIET. 

I don't like people yelling, slamming or banging things. I don't like being pushed to have to yell myself. I don't like people saying negative things and fighting with other people. I don't like hearing the kids fight when they play, whether it's pretend or real. 

I went from a calm quiet childhood to a marriage with domestic violence and a few bullies. I left that for a family that treated my kids and I like we were invisible. And a person who is bi polar, and was untreated for years.

I've made a lot of wrong choices while coping in the 'reactive' state of mind. I've spent a few years trying to heal. I have finally felt like who I really am sometimes. There are moments when I really feel like me. Not the person who 'was surviving the situation'. My own kids really don't know me, they know 'super mom in survival mode'. and she isn't who I really am. She is who I had to be.

I don't like people avoiding talking to me about things. They act like I'm going to explode if they say something I don't like. Mind you they have all said and done things that hurt me deeply and I say and do nothing but cry alone in the dark about it later. They don't know how I really feel about things.

Doctors say it goes hand in hand with depression. I think that's because when you have a break down or episode you feel like crap. People seem to be able to forgive the alcoholic or drug addict. They excuse and pardon the bi polar. 

But me, with anxiety disorder. Many treat me like I'm a monster. Like I go around and look for ways to hurt people on purpose? And forgive me when it happens. Not likely. 

I didn't want kids when I was young, because I wanted to figure me out first. I knew it would be hard. I was always afraid I wouldn't be a good mom because of it. It wasn't that I didn't like kids or didn't want kids. I didn't want them to suffer with my illness, whether it be from me or to have it themselves, same as me. 

Blessed by God

LIfe's a struggle @ the Bright side of the Barn today

Thanks for stopping by

Until next time, Stay safe & Happy Trails.