Reflections

I think my oldest daughter is the only one that ever really knew how dangerous life was for me. She had to see the most and go through so much with me in the early years. So much happened before the youngest 2 were born. My oldest son was a just a baby and a  'daddys boy'. He loved his dad, and no matter what his dad did, he blamed me. 

We protected him and the younger 2 from most of it but we couldn't hide it all. 

I remember watching a movie on Life Time TV, way back. The movie looked so much like the life I was stuck in. In the end the mom died, in the middle of the street with the police watching. I tryed to blow it off, but as time passed, more and more of what happened in the movie, started happening in my life as well. (still can't find the movie, again)

RED FLAGS! 

I heard the words "Til death do we part", so many times when he had a gun in his hand, when he was destroying my house and everything in it. When he was strangling me and I felt the life leaving my body. His brothers' image was a blur when he walked in the room where it was happening. The time I died for a minute.

I divorced. 

Only to have it get worse. Jumping out of bushing to attack me. Trying to break in my house when I wasn't home. Sabotage my vehicle trying to make me crash. Running me off the road trying to crash me. Showing up at my jobs, costing me job after job. Destroying my friends cars causing me problems at the apartments. The kids and I had to move so many times, we lost so many nice places to live.....

So many jobs ...

My oldest son will probably never know I almost died the day I went to pick him up from his gramma's. His dad showed up with a gun in his hand. It was the Uncle that helped me get away. I had to leave my son behind. And to this day, my son has been lost to me.  I can't help but wonder how my son would be today if I would have been shot and died in that driveway that day.?

My youngest daughter will probably never understand what it cost me and how close to dying I came when she pulled her antics as a teenager. That was another of his great 'over reactions'  I will always be grateful she came home! I thank the Lord everyday !

Life was hard and for me seldom happy. I gave everything in life to raise my kids and stay alive to raise my kids. Only to have most of them return their dad in their lifes as adults. I drifted away obviously. 

Sometimes I wonder how different things would be if I would have died on any one of the occasions my life was staggering in the balance. Sometimes I feel I would have been better off to not have survived. The nightmares I live with can be unbearable even now. 

I swore I would take it all to my grave with me. They will never know all the truth of what all I endured for them. I'm just blessed to see them as adults and have met my grandchildren and blessed to even know a couple of my great grandchildren. 

To think without me - NONE of them would be here. 

Without them, NONE of this would have happened to me. 

Blessed by God

Life's good @ the Bright side of the Barn

Thanks for Stopping by

Until next time, Stay safe and Happy Trails.

Living in Boxes

 

Ready to go!

And going nuts along the way. Living in limbo, waiting for the house to sell so we can get him moved and settled. 

We now have to add random vomiting to the mix. Out of the blue, not feeling sick, didn't eat nothing in particular. He just gets the feeling and has to run and throw up.

Somethings wrong, and the doctors still haven't figured it out yet. 

He's heading in for the 3rd "procedure" coming up on March 7th... Problem not solved, they just keep putting rubber bands on it. The throwing up started after the 2nd "procedure", so I have to wonder if they are connected.....

Ultra sounds didn't show anything in particular wrong. Blood work doesn't show anything going on... so frustrating. 

He still can't gain weight, at least any significant amount. Might put on a pound or two, but than loses it and more in a few days.

AND we have to add the heart doctor to the mix as well. New prescriptions new issues to deal with and adjust to. Stress plays a big part in it all. Age doesn't help, lol. Birthday coming up, 57. He'll be older than both his dad and brother when they passed. 

I did find some nice senior living apartments. In attempting to mow the lawn and clean up the yard for selling the house recently, we discovered - he's not really able to push the lawn mower, or lift too much, without adverse effects. So, buying a house with yard work and repairs to be done are really out of the question for him. Hence, the looking into senior living apartments. 

Meanwhile we got him mostly packed up and in a limbo. Sold off the unnecessary, gave away the unneeded. Done the little things to help the house. Yard work and weather still need to cooperate to finish. Living in boxes, getting restless. This is the hard part of the journey.

Many blessings along the way, keeps you going. Much needed things are getting taken care of and the stress is not as bad as before. This all helps with heart conditions. God is great for sure! No doubt in my mind miracles exist. So, grateful to be blessed. 

Praying the next step comes soon and the house sells. So ready to move forward. 

Blessed by God

Life's packed up @ the Bright side of the Barn

Thanks for stopping by

Until next time, Stay Safe and Happy Trails.