Christmas

This year has been the hardest for me. I've been struggling with my anxiety and depression really bad since summer. With it getting worse by the day.

For my birthday, I had asked for cards with a favorite us memory mentioned. I thought if I had positive thoughts from the kids it would help me overcome things abit.

I didn't get cards or cake. I got a BBQ at the park with most of the kids. A nice event, but in my situation I wish I would have had warning so I could have prepared myself for it. 

It was difficult for me.

For Christmas everyone talked of plans here and there and I didn't hear myself included anywhere so I made a comment I just wanted a motel for the night so I wouldn't have to wake up in the truck.

I was hurting and really wanted to spend Christmas with family. I feel like I'm going to die soon... 

The kids got me a room for Christmas.

It was the nicest thing you could do for a homeless person.

It was just the most painful thing to do for me. 

I struggle feeling unwanted. So of course... I'm hurt by it.

 It's something I have had to fight with all my life. Therapist said it was because I grew up unwanted by my mom. I dump it on those around me and my kids.

I have had to rely on the kids so much, needed so much help lately, I hate having to call and borrow so much. I hate interrupting their lives to rescue me broke down. I feel pretty pathetic that I have to borrow showers. 

I wish I could just visit with them when I see them. Have dinner play games walk at the park? This year has been the hardest one for me yet.

the last thing I wanted was for anyone to spend money on me for Christmas. 

No I really didn't want to go to a motel. I have no money for food and didn't want to spend Christmas alone. 

Now everyone is hurt and confused because they were trying to do a good thing.

 I love my kids more than anything. I only ever wanted to be a part of their lives, I never wanted to become such a burden.

Surprise!

 What's the worst thing you can do

 to a person with ANXIETY?

SURPRISE THEM!

1st my Birthday.

Now Christmas.

Why do I react the way I do?

Because they trigger an anxiety attack.

I don't like secrets or surprises.

My heart rate spikes I have chest pains and the panic attacks start happening.

 My mind goes dark, depression takes over...

I see the worst of everything 

and all hope of getting through the event with happiness is Lost. 

I struggle to survive

.. then live with guilt instead of happy memories...

Knowing I have hurt them again.

Having kids has been the hardest part of my life. I am the worst mother ever.

They don't know me or understand me, it's impossible for them to do what would make me happy. 

They do things that a normal person would appreciate.

I have anxiety and PTSD. 

I suffer depression. 

I have self worth issues.

I have phobias about going places I have never been to. 

I have sleep issues and can't sleep in a strange place.

I'm anti social, very private ... Don't like public place events where I am in a spotlight.

I can't do a buffet breakfast with strangers. That would trigger a panic attack. 

Sometimes I say things thinking out loud. Not expecting anyone to act on it. No one hears the But ... I'd rather... 

I have hated my life and how worthless I have become. I've been such a burden on my kids for years. 

I've actually wanted to die for a long time now. I don't understand why God has kept me here. 

This year my birthday and Christmas have now been the worst. They try to do nice things. But my anxiety wins every time. I end up hurting my kids.

I wish I could have been normal.

Spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day alone this year. Probably going to shut off the phone. 

Blessed by God 

Life hurts @ the Bright Side of the Barn 

Thanks for Stopping by 

Until Next Time, Stay Safe and Happy Trails