Others 'seem' to struggle a lot for reasons one cannot often understand. I remember someone once telling me "Wow, you must have really pissed off God to have so much bad happening in your life". All I could do was remember the story of Job. I would like to think it's the devil trying to mess up my life, and God has confidence in me that I will not give in. Jesus was perfect and never did anything wrong yet look at all the misery He had in his short life?. Look at what all the disciples went through. I don't think it's God messing up my life.
A lot of thoughts going on lately. My head is spinning a bit. I've been trying to keep it right with the Lord. Grateful for so many blessings and miracles, trying to be patient through the struggles. Doing my devotions daily. Praying continually. Trying to be the person God wants me to be. There is still a bit of a void, personal guilt or conviction I think, for the smoking. I know it has to go.
I gave up a few of the 'bad' things pretty easily but struggling with the smoking {cigs}. It's been my go-to when I'm stressed or avoiding a confrontation with someone. Especially when they don't or should I say, 'didn't smoke'. Now my peaceful moments are disrupted when he comes out to 'want a drag'. It's become very frustrating from my point of view. If you're going to smoke - smoke. If you're going to quit - quit. But don't do something just because I'm doing it. Don't wait for me to 'have a cig' to 'want one'. It only adds to the frustration of the situation for me. Like I said, that is my peaceful moment to get away from the problem, not be joined by it.
Financially I see no light at the end of the tunnel. Having this place is nice. Let's be honest a bit of privacy, a roof over your head, a warm place to be, hot showers, the ability to cook. And the relief to not be a burden on someone else or invading someone else's space. All good things. Not having to worry about where to park or needing to borrowing gas money for the truck almost daily - more good things. I am very, very blessed to have been given this gift. {Which adds to the guilt of 'still smoking'}
The cost of rent, gas heat, power - on top of the bills you have already - his multitude of doctors and appointments for every little thing - it's a struggle. Supporting someone else makes it twice as hard. He isn't honest with his friends and family about the situation. Always pretending everything is fine. Expecting me to ask my family and friends for help all the time. It hurts me and my relationships with people I truly care about. They have to help me twice as much where if I was alone it would only be half as much.
I was raised in a poor family. My dad worked hard and tried to save money, while my mom had 'spending' issues. A gambling problem and a drinking problem. Two complications that don't go well together. We were raised in 'moderation'. Not a lot of privileges or high-end items. Guess you could say we grew up with the 'knock off' versions. lol .😁😁😁 Which was really ok, because we had love and always felt safe at home. Never had to go without food, or have to worry about a place to live.
My first husband worked seasonal and was laid off every fall to spring. Financially we never got caught up much less ahead. His drinking and causing us to get evicted a few times didn't help. His overbearing family caused me to want to move a few times, that didn't help either. His drinking and my anxiety didn't mix well. It was not how I wanted my kids to have to grow up. After seeing how their cousins turned out, I'm very grateful I got them away from that families influence.
After the divorce, I had to be a single mom with 4 kids and not much for support from anywhere else. So, my kids were raised in moderation. If we bought a jug of juice, we would only have a glass a day, not drink the whole bottle right away. Trying to make it last as long as possible to enjoy more than once. Snacks were rationed out to last and to make sure everyone got some of them.
Always make sure no one else wanted or needed something before taking the last of anything. Nothing worse than an empty milk container in the fridge. With nothing more than a couple drops in it. I raised my kids to care about others and share and be kind. We were not selfish people. They are still not selfish people. Accused of being a "people pleasers" over being self-indulged. Helpful, thoughtful, giving people they turned out to be. Very proud mom I am.
My physical health is getting worse. The ability to stand for any length of time is getting shorter. Getting up and down harder. The thought of trying to work part time - out the window. I'm hoping to do a little mystery shopping now that I have my laptop back and up and running. Just need to get ink for the printer. I've actually made a few hundred dollars during a month, so it should help once the payments start coming in.
Social Security is almost a joke when you have a mental illness, as he has been denied once, and it's been 9 months waiting on the decision for 'reconsideration'. The attorney? He says the claim will probably get denied again, as they have been denying others with his same illness. So, I'm not sure what they do for you, except to file papers and maybe talk to the judge if you ever get to the point of a hearing? It's been about a year and a half from the starting point. As for when there will be a hearing is yet another question. Things have improved on the medical side; the final surgery helped his condition. However, I think by him not working and able to not have to walk around so much, was a major contributor to the healing process.
On the mental side of things, he's gotten worse. To the point I'm ready to go my own way. I've been praying a lot lately about the situation. As it's been a miserable existence to put up with lately. A few clips on FB led me to do some research on other mental illness symptoms and side effects. I believe he may have more than the one 'condition'. Thus, would explain some of the behavior issues. It still doesn't make it any better to live with. I honestly don't think his therapist is any good. And now his insurance changed to where his psychiatrist is a $250 a session expense, so it's time to find a new one within the boundaries of his insurance. Change is not something he handles very well.
The thoughts are deep and many in number. The solutions not all visible yet. It's a daily thing. Life is a daily thing. You can make plans for the future. You can prepare for the future. But you have to be flexible to the 'what if's that can happen'. To the 'bumps' in the road. Sometimes, your path isn't going to be what you plan. The closer you get to God, the more willing you have to be to 'follow' rather than to 'lead'.
- Blessed by God
- Life's good @ the Bright Side of the Barn
- Thanks for stopping by
- Until next time, Stay Safe and Happy Trails
